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兰若寺
肆巷叁弄
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20th-Feb-2018 05:46 pm - 手分手
metal man
之所以知道我沒辦法繼續在你生活裡貢獻,之所以知道有其他也會用我以往的真誠與認真去愛護你,同時也願意付出、貢獻,所以這個位子我讓了(雖然也知道他們虎視眈眈了很久,也很渴)。

最終只要你開開心心,充實地活著,就很好了,我也可以放一百個心,尋找屬於我自己的一片天空。這應該在兩年前就說出口的話,我還是沒有勇氣告訴你。

我始終很愛你,所以懂得放手,懂得讓位。
當然我們之間我也有介意的事,但事到如今,既然都已經離開了,還有什麼需要解開的?
不需要了。人都已經 40 了,沒有什麼看不開的。
21st-Oct-2016 09:45 pm - Royal
metal man
why do you spend time with people who would not appreciate these memories
why would you.

yet and again i chased the person off beside me because i think his time would be better spent with
someone else.

i guess that's what makes us
different.

you flow, i keep.

but now, i flush.
17th-Oct-2016 09:30 am - Awareness.
metal man
Often times, the outcome of a game is more predictable than the human heart. What fails us, is not the action nor inaction of the person, but rather, our own expectation(s) of the person. Then, it is like a switch almost immediately that one does not hold onto resentment because of all the cultivation of peace turned on, and stopping it from spiraling downward any further. Then, the sense of self-love and self-preservation wakens you to the ideal of the pursuit of peace, a moment where time stands still and everything is crystalizing in its essence, and why did it happen in the first place? Because that is where it starts, and where it possibly ends; and that is fine, and that is sufficient.

Then, to the man in the mirror, i told him, thank you, for being around. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And then, he gave me a smile; one that is slow, warm, unexaggerated, one of gratitude, one of love. You are really only going to get them from yourself and no one else.

A new day has begun.
6th-May-2016 10:36 pm - cracking the code
metal man
each time i'm closer to cracking the full code of numbers, my health deteriorates a little more. recently, my lungs have been getting worse, but the doctor said i'm all clear inside.

perhaps it's time for a more thorough check up.

it is only a matter of time that the said prophecy come true.
16th-Feb-2016 09:49 am - cancer and hiv
metal man
a client is dying from prostate cancer which he has 'fought' for 9 years. he is limited to his bed, and weighs less than 50 kg. nothing but bones.

a close friend is dying from stage 2 stomach cancer which has spread to his colons, and it's only about 9 months since the diagnosis. and he is becoming weaker and weaker by the day, and i cannot see him because he refused me entry to his ward after i have searched every hospital on his whereabouts. he was the only one whom gave me his shoulder to cry on, and his chest to rest in, when i was bound for Admiralty.

a friend's mother has fell again after having battled with cancer 4 years ago. the mother's words to him are heart breaking. and i remembered what my mum said a few days ago: "how many more healthy years do I have? maybe 10, maybe 12. or 8. but that much is certain, it will come to an end."

two young friends, barely 20, is newly diagnosed with hiv. one has begun medication and the other has not. seeing how the meds are hitting him, making him lose weight and constantly fatigued with yellow whites in the eyes, makes me weep. i cried.

how many more must i weep for.

and my newly extracted lower left molar is throbbing like a son of a bitch.
12th-Feb-2016 10:32 am - a glass with some water
metal man
a glass with some water
may be partially empty
may be partially full.
we're all sides of the
same coin
no one's really wrong and
no one's really wrong wrong.

the moment we indulge in
the creation of a travesty
we lose the meaning
of just being
of just be.

savor the water
save the glass
it is all ours
and not

save them memories
cherish them moments
it is all present
and not.
10th-Jan-2016 10:41 pm - Hello~?
metal man
Hello~~~~?

*echoes: hello~~ hello~~ hello~~~~~~~ *

it's me. i was wonderi - ENOUGH (Batman slap)
29th-Nov-2015 09:07 am - Letting go the need to hold on.
metal man
And now i'm recovering from the complications of the ill-ly timed appendicitis surgery. other than going up against SGH and recovering well, there really isn't much in the horizon. ok, maybe unlocking more numerology secrets and having it pay off for the orphanages, and myself. then again, i think i may have stumbled on a little too much. it is said that when you uncover certain celestial truths, you begin to get warning signs that tells you to back away. if you don't, you might not be able to handle the personal calamity that might befall. that being said, i'm prepared to push the envelope, just a little bit more. no venture and no sacrifice, no gain. and we're not talking about selfish gains. my newly-purchased Z5 Premium is still sleeping in its casing; the day i bought it before i checked myself into SGH's A&E. i have little urge to uncase it.

and then, i see friends around me, young and old alike, falling in and out of what they perceive is Love. two exact same situations took place one after another. i used the term, self-mutilation. they know that they are going to get hurt, yet they pursue the course of action which will undeniably make them so. one, is a fat friend (yes i know i'm fat too) whom, since his last break up, has never quite been the same. in which i encouraged him that if this is the case, i only hope it leaves beautiful scars this time and i wished him the best. the other, is a youngling who sees nothing but the things he wishes to see and hear. i told him off in the sense that, if he has no need for my advice, he need not seek me out.

then, that dick text'd me his picture. good looking as ever, i smiled, before i drifted off on my bed at 9pm. i must've been worn out.

only to wake at 2pm and after having found no trace of Mr Zhou, i began to think - what if i'm going to lose everything all over again. would i be ok? would i be ok losing him? losing my mother? losing loved ones? strangely, i didn't feel any spikes. i was calm, composed. i am ok. though i'm pretty sure i'll be upset, but i think i would have no problems letting go. however, i do see myself holding on, and the reasons for holding on, are the promises that i had made as a human being. i think, since i have given my word, i shall do my best seeing to the end of it.





 
20th-Sep-2015 11:09 pm - The Way
metal man
now that the election is over, i think it's a good time to express how i felt about the politicians. with social media quick to pound on every single faux pas that was made, and the hound-like mentality of the savvy net users for both camps, i couldn't get any clear messages from either side. i couldn't see nor feel the politicians as they were. i couldn't trust the press. i couldn't trust things that i see on facebook. or rather, i couldn't bring myself to trust anything that i had read. then, after two ponders and an earl grey: it didn't matter, it doesn't matter, and it won't matter - i'm a citizen of earth, and i'll live like water; meander my way to the ocean and live freely as i will. i'm not a starfish, and i don't require being thrown back into the sea. when a tree grows, it runs the risk of being chopped, or struck by lightning. but when you are the wind, you are free!

when you take a stand, you will be at risk. when you set yourself free, you will never be bounded, and you will see why there is no need to take a stand.

We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.

We work with being,
but non-being is what we use.
28th-Jun-2015 08:31 am - maturity
metal man
i think it can be a very subjective word, since there's no proper yardstick to measure it properly.

a 20 year old can say that he is mature in thinking because everyone around him tells him that he is mature beyond his years, and that he can hold conversations with people in their 30s to 40s.

i do not know their conversations, but based on the ones we had, seems like he's got all the priorities right about his career, with loads of energy waiting to burst out of his smarts. and on our conversations of love and relationships, i do not know if it is simply me and my grasp of compassionate love that i find his youthful outbursts and illogical wilfulness unreasonable, or that i've really met far fewer people who think alike me, or that people not unlike this youth and their grasp of love is the universal norm.

then again, it being the universal norm doesn't mean anything else.

so somewhere during the conversation, i gave him the comment that many else before me did, though in my own exact words, i said, "you're more mature than your actual age. perhaps mid-twenties or so."

i simply can't give him the full satisfaction. lol damn i'm childish.
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